Tuesday, July 28, 2015

{ebb and flow} ~personal

ahhhh~ this year has just been - well .......
i don't really know the right words- but it just has not been easy.

This time of year is always emotional for me as the date of my mom's passing approaches. 
I travel, work, be a mom and wife- clean- organize- always keep busy- but nothing can take away that looming date approaching and all the pain and emotion that comes with it.
I posted earlier about loosing our beloved family pets this spring- all three- gone - one each month- March, April and May. 
 I don't know that my heart will ever release that pain or that mind will ever understand. 
But~ that brings me to the point of this post- I have really realized this year- 
through my pain and loss- that life is simply about the ebb and flow. 

Things come and they go~ people come and they go ~ 
pets come and they go~ money comes and it goes. 
Nothing is permanent. 
Nothing ever stays the same.
No one will be here forever.
It's just that way~ and it's the absolute hardest part of being human.
Knowing that living life to it's fullest requires you to give all you have- and love all that you can.

and learning that in a split second all of that care and love~ has no place to land.
It's hard~ it's gut wrenching- and it will and does change you.

Both my kids are so grown now~ I took them to school last week- they both got out together and walked up the sidewalk together - and my heart just melted- with pride and joy- 
and broke because those were my babies. 
You know - the one's I carried in my tummy- and felt their hiccups- and kicks- 
the one's i nursed and changed. The one's I sat and rocked- for hours and hummed to so that they would fall asleep- those babies-
 they aren't babies anymore.
and yet again- I am reminded of that ebb and flow.

It's hard in the beginning with babies. You know you are exhausted and just overwhelmed with learning this new little person- and learning how to be a mom- that you don't really see your baby growing. Ya know? 
It's like one day you are sleepless and nursing and then the next
 you are driving down the road and look over- and this little person is sitting beside with you- 
smiling back at you- and it hits you that wow- they are so grown. 
And it's beautiful and sad all at the same time.
I know all moms have felt that at some point.  
that feeling is what is really hitting me hard lately.

~My whole world ~

I bought this horse a few months ago. I saw him posted to facebook- he was skinny and scraggly looking. I went to see him- and he was starving- he was beautiful- but had bones showing everywhere. 
I had to have him- there was no way i would leave him in the situation he was in. So we bought him- fought him to lad in the trailer - got him home- and over the past few months- fed him lots of good food- gave him his vaccines - got proper shoes on his feet. But mostly what he needed was love and to know that he could trust someone. It was clear to me from very early on- in handling him that he just needed to trust. So- I built that with him. He was a rotten boy-when I whistled - he came running to me. 
Yesterday~ we sold him- I never planned to keep him- my plan all along was to rescue him from a bad situation, get him healthy and move him on to a much better situation. 
I never planned to love him in between though~
but I did~ it's so hard not to.
He trusted me, he knew me 
and I did what I felt was best for him.
but once again- it hurts my heart.
He loaded right into the trailer- no fight- he never questioned what was happening. 
Why? because he trusted the process- and the people. 
THAT is what life is about~
He will make someone and amazing, amazing horse.
I am just happy to have been a part of his journey~ 
~Before- a starving, unhealthy, scared boy~

~Now~ beautiful, loving and happy sweet boy~

Life is a journey~ an ever changing sea. I am learning that the better I learn to ride these waves- 
the better off I will be. 
God presents us with obstacles and hardships- to teach us. 
I know he will never present me with battles I can't fight or hardships I can not overcome. 

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Love Always~ heather J